Dear Riot Fest 2005,
You know that Minutemen song where Mike Watt goes like, "Punk rock saved my life"? Fuck yeah, Man. It's the same way right fuckin here with me. When I was younger I was aimless, adrift in a sea of gangster rap and radio metal. Then along came punk. It had always been there but it took thirteen long years for it to find its way to me. Without it, I'd surely be dead now.
Sure, I wasn't nothin better with it than I was before, just a vandal scumbag takin money from my parents an' tryin to cum on things but I had FOCUS. I truly believe in the transformative powers of punk rock. I am glad that your festival is bringing back bands like the Dead Kennedys and the Germs that even I never got to see. Punk is a young man's game and most of the kids have never been exposed to bands like this in a live setting because either their singers went and overdosed a couple decades ago or they're embroiled in contract disputes with the rest of their bandmates or because they're irrelevent dinosaurs who haven't written a song since Reagan left office.
None of that shit'll matter, though, once that guy from ER comes out onstage to the opening chords of "Lexicon Devil". Media blitz!
But I got to thinking. The Clash is probably my favourite band of all time. You can tell because I have that killer back patch on my army jacket. With Joe Strummer passed away, it looks like I may never get to see them live. That's just about more than I can bear, not just because of my loss but for all the little punks out there who don't know what they're missing. Well you know as well as I do that the only thing that seperates punk from all the other shit out there is the fierce DIY spirit that bands a bunch of nothingshits into a true force. I will take the bull by the horns, and offer hear and now to front the Clash MYSELF at your concert in November.
Don't worry, I know all the songs on "Combat Rock" and a good third of "Sandanista" and I'm free to practice every Wednesday night, so you give Mick and Paul a call and I'm ready. Oi! Motherfucker. 77 Style, yeah!
Sincerely,
Eric Strom
P.S. If the Clash have prior obligations I would also be willing to front GG Allin and the Murder Junkies, Jabbers, or AIDS Brigade.
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